Hello, 45
Yet life continues to happen, all that deep slow water under the bridge.
Read MorePuppy Love
I always thought of myself as more of a cat person. Non-cat people may see cats as aloof and impersonal; I saw them as independent and self-possessed. That was the pet for me: cool, unattached, implacable.
Read MoreTravel Bug
Rather than being freed and emboldened by my autonomy I was instead all too aware of my solitude and the vulnerability that comes with it. This then blossomed into acute paranoia, as my overactive imagination wrote and directed worst-case scenarios, starring me, that played out every violent, bone-cracking, flesh-flaying, paralysis-inducing, life-altering possibility in high-def detail on the widescreen of my mind.
Read MoreThe Treachery of Bookstores
In recent years bookstores have become increasingly vexing and anxious spaces for me. What used to be places of peace are now fraught with urgency; not about which books to read, which should be the only anxiety one has in a bookstore, but rather my continual failure to finish any one of my fucking three novel manuscripts.
Read MoreWhat's Next?
One thing we can all agree on: shit happens. It’s my tendency to anticipate the worst, to dread and brace and hope to hell that I am wrong. And I am often wrong, which is excellent. But I want to stop doing that, because it taints the lovely, peaceful present.
Read MoreIf the Mute Button Could Talk
Must you hold up both middle fingers to the speaker that the Talk button and I share? Just because I don’t have eyes doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’re doing. It’s rude. No, it’s beyond rude. It’s abusive.
Read MoreCreative is. Creative does.
A simple fact that is glossed over or ignored in advertising (among lots of other things) is the fact that we are all at the mercy of our professional environment. You could have the most creatively facile mind that is sizzling with incredible ideas, but if you don’t have the right client, the right agency or the right team to help you, all those hot ideas are for shit.
Read MoreEscape Hatch
We are all too familiar with the cascade of OMG-WTF moments that are now so ordinary in their occurence if tirelessly appalling in their content. In the face of all this and so many other cracks in the foundation of our society as we know it, I’ve been wondering where is my personal red line?
Read MoreTo the Woman Dating My Ex
So, you swiped right on a sociopath. Not your garden variety toxically narcissistic asshole (though that shoe fits too), but a bona fide lying, conning sociopath.
Read MoreResolved (or Whatever).
While it’s debatable if 2017 has been a marginal improvement on the free-for-all shitshow that was 2016 or whether we’ve just grown more used to the world as it is—in all its appalling glory—personally speaking, 2017 was a definite upgrade.
Read MoreGone to Pot
My bedtime ritual usually results in me giggling myself to sleep with my head full of bad jokes for the standup routine I do in the parallel universe where I’m unbelievably hilarious.
Read MoreRomantic Semantics
Not everyone makes a point of baking cupcakes together, is what I’m saying.
Read MoreRocking Out with Sisyphus
Self-doubt and creativity are two symbiotic ingredients in the swamp of an artist’s brain that are locked in a copulating mind-fuck that proclaims your brilliance in the same thrust as it reaffirms your abject stupidity and the ultimate futility of your efforts.
Read MoreThe Mystery of the Mangled Dildo on the Unsanctioned Roof Deck (NSFW)
I glanced out my kitchen window to spy what appeared to be brutally disfigured anatomically correct dildo lying on my roof. My first thought, after a generalized what the fuck?, was that this was some sort of retribution from neighbors above or below. But upon further inspection, I realized it couldn’t possibly be so simple.
Read MoreRegrettable
He was, by all appearances as unaccompanied as I was. I found a spot on the deck of the ferry to watch the ocean pass, and plot how I would strike up a conversation with this guy, as if I were the sort of person who would actually do such a thing.
Read MoreHey, California. Got a sec? We need to talk.
Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you get to take your world’s sixth largest economy and your progressive values and walk out in a self-righteous huff.
Read MoreNon Sequiturs & Nonsense (Or, 2017 so far)
It was I who told him, my lean, cat-loving paramour, in a sarcastic British accent, “Darling, I love you like a big, bloody steak.”
Read MoreThe Worst Year Ever. Again.
Everyone is thirsting for the end of this wrecked year, calling for 2016 to stop stealing our beloved idols, our national dignity, our sense of security, our sense of trust; we are pushing hungrily toward the blank slate of 2017, its blinding, beautiful unknowability a tall drink of ignorant bliss in this beneficence desert we’ve been living in.
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