Hey, California,

How’s it going? Okay, stupid question; it’s been a rough week, fo’ sho’. Hell, it’s been a rough couple of months. And we get it, we totally do. You’re not the only one who’s upset about this Trump situation. I’m certain that like many states (though admittedly not enough states), you get the raving fantods every time you see the words “Breaking News,” knowing, as we all do now, that what follows is another executive order or Congressional action that further unravels the very fabric of our democratic society and dismantles, maligns, and misappropriates American values in every damn way.

It’s okay to be angry. We’re all angry. (Well, except for the Trump-voting alt-right Christian wingnut boneheads, the billionaires, and those who embody some combination of all those personas—they are totally loving this shit. But let’s not focus on them right now.) Anger is natural. Anger is healthy.

California, anger is necessary.

But you know what isn’t acceptable? Throwing a fucking tantrum. Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you get to take your world’s sixth largest economy and your progressive values and walk out in a self-righteous huff. I mean, come on, California! You’re better than this. I’ve known you my whole life, and you’ve never run from a fight. The California I know would roll up its sleeves, wrap some duct tape around its knuckles and wade into the fray. The California I know stages a protest at the slightest twitch of injustice. And here we are, as a whole nation, getting skull-fucked by one of the world’s top-five most deplorable humans (Bashir Assad, Vladmir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Mitch McConnell, in case you’re wondering), and instead of throwing in and throwing down, you’re all, “waah, I’m gonna secede!”

Wait, wait, you’re right, I’m sorry. That was unfair. I know Governor Brown has told Trump where he can stick his removal of federal funding for sanctuary cities, and that Los Angeles and San Francisco are standing up to the bullshit, along with most of the rest of big bold blue California. So, yes, okay. You’re still the state I know and love.

But this secession shit? Really? Do you know what America needs right now? Well, a lot of things, yes. But what would be super helpful in the four hell-years to come would be, I dunno, a big blue state, chockfull of crazy leftie progressives, that happens to be the most populous state in the union. You’re a heavyweight, California. And America needs that brawn if we’re going to emerge from this with our soul intact, if nothing else.

Look, I know this whole secession idea isn’t new. And I get the appeal of breaking off from this dysfunctional morass of a nation and forging a new path or whatever. But from one blue state to another, please, stick around, okay? At least help us out through the Trumpocalypse. Once things settle down (hopefully they will…eventually…someday…maybe…), then maybe you can go off and do your little nation experiment.

Until then, let’s stick together, all right?

Please?

Okay, thanks, dude. Keep in touch, yo.

Love,

Everybody.

Image by ShitAllOverHumanity. (Great name, people. Yeesh.)