Time behind bars: ten years and seven months, is 127 months, is 550 weeks, is 3,865 days.

Pounds of ice hauled: 75,678.

Pints of beer poured: 756,249.

Cocktails assembled and served: 378,508.

Number of times I held a girlfriend’s hair back while she puked into the bar’s women’s room toilet: 8.

Number of girls I have picked up off the women’s room floor at 2am: 3.

Number of strippers I caught selling blowjobs in the men’s room: 2.

Price in dollars they were charging for their services: 5.

Number of New Year’s Eve midnights I spent pouring cheap champagne into plastic champagne flutes: 7.

Number of bars I worked in: 11.

Number of those bars I enjoyed working in: 5.

Number of times I drank on the job: 3,256.

Number of times I was flat out, irretrievably drunk on the job: 3,198.

Number of bottles of Jim Beam I have personally consumed while on the clock: 246.

Number of fights started: 8.

Number of fights stopped: 18.

Number of times I have been punched, poked, choked and verbally abused by drunk customers, respectively: 3, 23, 1 and 2,786.

Number of times I deserved aforementioned verbal abuse: 1,978.

Amount of puke, in gallons, I mopped up off the floor of the bar: 3.6.

Number of times I cleaned puke off the top of the bar: 2.

Number of times the person who puked on the bar was a close personal friend of mine: 2.

Number of times I had only myself to blame for getting them so drunk they puked on the bar: 2. 

Amount of money that passed through my hands that didn’t belong to me: $2,321,850; that did belong to me: $441,607.

Amount of money I spent in bars in the last ten years: $425,498.

Number of times I said, “Hey, what can I do for you tonight?” when I really meant, “Eat shit and die, you miserable drunk cretin”: 7,854.

Year I realized I had come to hate bartending with every inch of my soul: 2004. 

Number of boyfriends I acquired while working behind the bar: 7.

Number of those relationships that ended badly: 5.

Number that ended well: 1. 

Number of times I spit in someone’s drink: 0.

Number of times I wanted to spit in someone’s drink: 10,592.

Number of times I engaged in sexual intercourse at my place of employment: 2.

Wholesale dollar amount, approximately, of the product I “liberated” from various establishments: $307.

Number of times that liberation of product was a passive aggressive form of revenge against the unjust actions of my employer: 12. 

Number of times I felt guilty about it: 10. 

Number of times I was fired: 2.5.

Number of times I was fired due to the aforementioned liberation: 0.

Number of times I quit: 8.5. 

Date of most recent incident of quitting a bartending job: May 3, 2006. 

Figures listed are those available as of, and extrapolated to, the date of May 15, 2006.