Welcome! It's a beautiful night in San Francisco, and like many single women of a certain age, you're probably wondering why the hell you're spending this gorgeous Friday evening at home alone with your reasonably priced, yet definitely quality bottle of Malbec instead of stepping out to meet your vivacious and engaging boyfriend with whom you share many interesting activities and interests. Well, honey, it's because you haven't yet successfully navigated the murky morass of the Bay Area dating scene. 

And that, my friends, is why we're gathered here now. Welcome to the new dawn of your romantic adventures. Step right up to your opportunity to meet the like-minded, intelligent, and totes fuckable man of your dreams. Sit back, relax and let us guide you through the sticky, weird road to love in San Francisco. Are you ready? 

I said: ARE YOU READY? 

Sure you are! Okay. First thing you must know is that it is literally impossible to meet anyone in a natural, spontaneous human-to-human way. It's the 21st century, sweetheart! Get yo'self online! If you want any hope at all of a date (and we're talking a basic first date, drinks or coffee deal) you must maintain at least two [2] and as many as five [5] active online profiles*. Some popular combinations are as follows:

• Tinder + OkCupid: This is a tried and true combo of two of the most popular dating apps around. Yeah, they're both mostly populated by the exact same people, but think of it as doubling your chances of meeting Mr. Right or, more realistically, Mr. Good Enough for Now. 
• Tinder + Coffee Meets Bagel: Similar to the above, for the under-30 set. 
• Tinder + eHarmony: This is the real bet-hedger. For those looking to get laid and married, not necessarily with the same person. 
• Tinder + OkCupid + Match and/or Hinge: This combination works well for breeders who are into polyamory. You may not get it all, but you'll probably get some! *wink wink* 
• Tinder + FetLife + OkCupid: This is a bold and sexual combo. Clear your schedule and bust out your fist-shaped dildo, people. Shit is about to get real. 

Okay, great! Now that we've covered off on these basics, here are a few things to be aware of as you venture forth into this exciting new world. (Or maybe not so new? Maybe more like been here so many times before you just would rather stab yourself in the face than do it all again? I mean, being single isn't so bad is it? Get the bed all to yourself, don't have to argue about what movie to watch, don't have to deal with anyone's screwed-up family dynamics, don't have to worry about obsessively maintaining intimate body hair situations...Sorry, I digress.) 

First things first. You're in San Francisco, kids. You better have your opinions on tech and gentrification all squared away and be prepared to defend your stance to the death. Dare not tread on any nuance here, lest you end up with some guy telling you you're a horrible person who is ruining the city because you deign to make more than $45,000 a year and happen to enjoy farm-to-table dining.  

Second, it is likely you will be beset with people who call themselves "polyamorous." By and large these people have read roughly one third of The Ethical Slut and are not necessarily aware of the finer points of open relationships, but rather look on polyamory as an opportunity to fuck many people without having to lie about it. And that's all great. But just know what you're getting into. Ask them if they know the meaning of the word "compersion." If they don't, they're a dilettante. 

And get kinky! What? No kinks? Darling, if you don't harbor some kink you'll never get laid! Doesn't matter what it is—just come up with something. Spanking. Bondage. Role-playing. Peanut butter. Whatever. Because “What’s your kink?” is often the third or fourth question someone will ask you, and if you don't have an enticing answer, then no sex for you! In fact it's best you just start your FetLife profile now and cultivate an enjoyment of BDSM, exhibitionism, and group sex. It will come in handy soon, promise! 

You'll likely at some point meet a delightful divorced father of two whom you come to like very much. Until he completely loses interest in you because you don't share his deep and abiding love of anal sex. But don't worry! You'll still be friends, so that's all for the good. 

Drugs too! We must discuss those. Be prepared to be propositioned with blow and cunnilingus before you even meet someone. It's about staying open-minded, ladies! Just go with the flow! 

Tinder is often host to out-of-towners breezing through for business or pleasure. You may be tempted to dismiss these prospects due to the brevity of their availability. But they are often excellent company, because they possess an exciting maturity not usually displayed in our local males. Also, they are much, much more likely to actually meet you out for a drink, in person, rather than carry on interminable conversations over text in which they attempt tirelessly to get you to sext with them. 

Also important: Burning Man, yes? Or Burning Man, no? Pick a side. 

Do you enjoy hiking? You'd better! SF is super duper outdoorsy. Yay, nature! You'll need an appropriate hiking-friendly outfit and shoes, and a working knowledge of all trails within a 45-minute drive of the city. Ditto for camping. If these activities don't appeal to you, then I'm sorry to inform you you've effectively eliminated up to 63%**  of your romantic possibilities. 

Ooooh, 40 years old and never married? No kids? That is a tough spot, because it of course begs the question: What's wrong with you? Haha, not that there's anything actually wrong with you. It's just that it seems like there might be, so you may want to have an explanation for that. 

Dive bars or cocktail lounges? Take a stand. And while you're at it, best you have gluten-free dining options on your list of go-to date establishments because everyone has celiac. It's like this whole big thing. 

So! There it is! Happy hunting, you vixen, you! Or you know, just stay home, drink your Malbec, and do some online shopping. 

It's all good. 

* Note: Active profiles in no way guarantee actual human contact. You will likely mostly only carry on long pointless text message conversations with various people named David.

** This is a purely anecdotal calculation. Actual percentage may differ.